Been a rough few months
and I know that’s not entirely true, but it depends on perspective, I suppose. I know Being Depressed doesn’t have anything like the trauma of so much going on, and when I look around the world news – or even the local news – I know I don’t have things bad, but – well, as I say. Perspective.
But things are getting there. You’d not see the difference from outside, but as the skies get lighter, minute by minute and day by day, things SEEM a little better, even if it’s only as incremental as the daylight change.
Literally, I’ve been pretty much unable to get out of the house. If it wasn’t for Sasha, I wouldn’t have gone out for months – as it is, I do take her out every day, so that’s something. I haven’t been over to Dads bungalow for months, and now I’m frightened that when I do go over (I keep saying “next week I’ll go) I’ll find squatters or leaking pipes or something. I must go soon, must get the rental sorted out because that would make a bit more money which will help the care fees and my financial horrors. stupid to have wasted a year of a decent income, so I mustn’t waste much more. I need to find a reliable odd job man who can clear the remaining stuff, put some stuff in the loft, put a lock on the loft, clean up. then it’s a case of buying a couple of new carpets and getting it rented.
It doesn’t SEEM like much to get done, but to me, (normally a great organiser) it seems an impossible task. Perhaps I should approach the house agent and see if they’ll do it for a fee.
The main reason I haven’t posted more regularly is that there’s nothing worse than reading people whine on day by day when it doesn’t really seem that they have anything to whine ABOUT. I know I don’t, and I hate myself for this ennui- hate that I can’t get off my arse and sort myself out, and I don’t want to inflict my whining on people. But I do like to tell you I’m alive at least.
Anyway – that’s the main stuff. Writing wise, there’s no progress there either (unsurprisingly) although I have at least opened the WIP and poke it from time to time, even if it’s just re-editing what I’ve already done. I’m hoping it will encourage me to do more. I have had a bunny, but I’ve got enough WIPs and I don’t like to start something else before finishing other projects because I know me too well – I’ll just end up with ten WIPs and then writing will seem another insurmountable mountain.I'm a tad down in the mouth about the state of the writing market, to tell you the truth. No one really seems to writing gay historicals any more (and I can't flatter myself that it's because I've dropped off the radar, that would be mad) and if there are historical elements in an m/m book it's only to add pretty outfits to a paranormal or fantasy setting. I've read AU m/m historicals too in the last year, which is all very well, but are these elements being added because people can't be arsed to do the research for real historicals? Or are gay historicals too depressing and interesting? I was worrying about updating Speak Its Name's list, but as there are so few new titles, that's not going to take long - and a couple of years ago, I couldn't keep up with the new releases!
Cheyenne Press is sadly closing down, which means that "Speak Its Name" "Frost Fair" and "Junction X" were going to be homeless but the lovely Lethe Press opened their arms and said "OF COURSE we want them" which is great news, so that transition will be happening over the next year. More news when I have it.
The ONE thing I'm proud of is that I haven't put weight on. Over the past 3 months I haven't lost anything, and that's mainly to do with having too much alcohol and not controlling portion sizes. Despite many diets CLAIMING you can eat unlimited amounts of this and that, when you are a binger you know in your heart of hearts that that's not absolutely true, no matter how much you'd want it to be. HOWEVER, I'm one pound UNDER what I was in November, so that is a triumph in itself. I am no longer xx stone something, I'm (xx stone minus one stone) something (e.g into the next stone down territory and I'm NEVER going to be xx stone something again. i WISH I could admit to the shameful true numbers, but I am ashamed to be that huge.
So I am working on portion control. Something the eating plan has taught me over the past months is to eat regularly. I'm making sure I get at least five fruit and veg a day (not easy with 20-30 carbs to play with) But eating regularly is key - and now I need to cut down from eating six belly pork strips for dinner to two or three. Luckily, Low carb decreases the appetite so I'm rarely hungry - but then hunger has never been an aspect of my eating problems. A binger like me eats for something to do, and a hundred other reasons, and it doesn't matter if I'm full or not hungry. What I've learned is that I can eat delicious food regularly cooked in delicous ways with cream and butter and MAINTAIN weight, so a small tweak in the matter of how much meat I eat will start up the weight loss again. My aim WAS to lose another 3 stone by easter, but I'm pulling back from that and will be happy if I can lose one, maybe two. I may even treat myself to some Easter Eggs.
so - a lot of stuff to say, even if there's not actually much going on - thanks for listening, and I'm going to try HARDER this year and get myself back into the world, both digitally and in reality. Love you all!