?

Log in

Erastes [userpic]

Been a rough few months

January 23rd, 2014 (11:48 am)

and I know that’s not entirely true, but it depends on perspective, I suppose. I know Being Depressed doesn’t have anything like the trauma of so much going on, and when I look around the world news – or even the local news – I know I don’t have things bad, but – well, as I say. Perspective.

But things are getting there. You’d not see the difference from outside, but as the skies get lighter, minute by minute and day by day, things SEEM a little better, even if it’s only as incremental as the daylight change.

Literally, I’ve been pretty much unable to get out of the house. If it wasn’t for Sasha, I wouldn’t have gone out for months – as it is, I do take her out every day, so that’s something. I haven’t been over to Dads bungalow for months, and now I’m frightened that when I do go over (I keep saying “next week I’ll go) I’ll find squatters or leaking pipes or something. I must go soon, must get the rental sorted out because that would make a bit more money which will help the care fees and my financial horrors. stupid to have wasted a year of a decent income, so I mustn’t waste much more. I need to find a reliable odd job man who can clear the remaining stuff, put some stuff in the loft, put a lock on the loft, clean up. then it’s a case of buying  a couple of new carpets and getting it rented.

It doesn’t SEEM like much to get done, but to me, (normally a great organiser) it seems an impossible task. Perhaps I should approach the house agent and see if they’ll do it for a fee.

The main reason I haven’t posted more regularly is that there’s nothing worse than reading people whine on day by day when it doesn’t really seem that they have anything to whine ABOUT. I know I don’t, and I hate myself for this ennui- hate that I can’t get off my arse and sort myself out, and I don’t want to inflict my whining on people. But I do like to tell you I’m alive at least.

Anyway – that’s the main stuff. Writing wise, there’s no progress there either (unsurprisingly) although I have at least opened the WIP and poke it from time to time, even if it’s just re-editing what I’ve already done. I’m  hoping it will encourage me to do more. I have had a bunny, but I’ve got enough WIPs and I don’t like to start something else before finishing other projects because I know me too well – I’ll just end up with ten WIPs and then writing will seem another insurmountable mountain.

I'm a tad down in the mouth about the state of the writing market, to tell you the truth. No one really seems to writing gay historicals any more (and I can't flatter myself that it's because I've dropped off the radar, that would be mad) and if there are historical elements in an m/m book it's only to add pretty outfits to a paranormal or fantasy setting. I've read AU m/m historicals too in the last year, which is all very well, but are these elements being added because people can't be arsed to do the research for real historicals? Or are gay historicals too depressing and interesting? I was worrying about updating Speak Its Name's list, but as there are so few new titles, that's not going to take long - and a couple of years ago, I couldn't keep up with the new releases!

Cheyenne Press is sadly closing down, which means that "Speak Its Name" "Frost Fair" and "Junction X" were going to be homeless but the lovely Lethe Press opened their arms and said "OF COURSE we want them" which is great news, so that transition will be happening over the next year. More news when I have it.

The ONE thing I'm proud of is that I haven't put weight on. Over the past 3 months I haven't lost anything, and that's mainly to do with having too much alcohol and not controlling portion sizes. Despite many diets CLAIMING you can eat unlimited amounts of this and that, when you are a binger you know in your heart of hearts that that's not absolutely true, no matter how much you'd want it to be. HOWEVER, I'm one pound UNDER what I was in November, so that is a triumph in itself. I am no longer xx stone something, I'm (xx stone minus one stone) something (e.g into the next stone down territory and I'm NEVER going to be xx stone something again. i WISH I could admit to the shameful true numbers, but I am ashamed to be that huge.

So I am working on portion control. Something the eating plan has taught me over the past months is to eat regularly. I'm making sure I get at least five fruit and veg a day (not easy with 20-30 carbs to play with) But eating regularly is key - and now I need to cut down from eating six belly pork strips for dinner to two or three. Luckily, Low carb decreases the appetite so I'm rarely hungry - but then hunger has never been an aspect of my eating problems. A binger like me eats for something to do, and a hundred other reasons, and it doesn't matter if I'm full or not hungry. What I've learned is that I can eat delicious food regularly cooked in delicous ways with cream and butter and MAINTAIN weight, so a small tweak in the matter of how much meat I eat will start up the weight loss again. My aim WAS to lose another 3 stone by easter, but I'm pulling back from that and will be happy if I can lose one, maybe two. I may even treat myself to some Easter Eggs.

so - a lot of stuff to say, even if there's not actually much going on - thanks for listening, and I'm going to try HARDER this year and get myself back into the world, both digitally and in reality. Love you all!

Comments

Posted by: Blake Fraina (blake_fraina)
Posted at: January 23rd, 2014 02:10 pm (UTC)
grin

Oh goodness - so sad to hear about Cheyenne Press. I know Mark has been unusually silent on the internet for quite a while and I didn't get a card from him and Tim this year, even though I sent them one. Is everything all right with him otherwise? Please let me know as I'm concerned. If you'd rather than post it here, you can send me a brief private note.

Thanks.

Posted by: Erastes (erastes)
Posted at: January 24th, 2014 09:34 am (UTC)
erastes

He's fine, as far as I know! He isn't stopping writing, just publishing - it's an expensive game, which is the main reason I haven't gone into it!

Posted by: kcwarwick (kcwarwick)
Posted at: January 23rd, 2014 03:02 pm (UTC)
vcation

Glad to hear from you again! Like you, I sometimes look around me at other people's troubles and wonder what I'm making a fuss about, but in a way I feel it's easier to deal with a major disaster than the constant shadow of depression. It's certainly worth getting in touch with a letting agent about your dad's bungalow. Nowadays they will arrange all sorts of things besides just advertising the place. At least your weight is going the right way, and I'm sure you'll get there in the end. I'm just about to offer 'Prove a Villain' to Lethe, and I'm hoping that if they want it this might spur me on to continue with the sequel. I hope 2014 is a better year for you.

Posted by: Erastes (erastes)
Posted at: January 24th, 2014 09:38 am (UTC)
erastes

Thanks my dear - keeping my fingers for your submission to Lethe xxx

Posted by: Stevie Carroll (stevie_carroll)
Posted at: January 23rd, 2014 08:59 pm (UTC)
And this is my wife by sallymn

Hello, you!

Posted by: Erastes (erastes)
Posted at: January 24th, 2014 09:34 am (UTC)
erastes

Wot ho, my dear! :D It's good to interact with people again!

Posted by: DarkEmeralds (emeraldsedai)
Posted at: January 24th, 2014 12:24 am (UTC)

Hello! Sorry to hear about the low period. I certainly sympathize. I hope the coming of the light will set you right again.

I'm impressed that you've maintained your weight loss-to-date during a depression. That's something I've never really managed to do. Do you feel like low-carb eating has any bearing on your mood? I can certainly attest to a correlation between sugar consumption and low mood. I feel stable and grounded when my diet leans low-carb-ward, but I'm not sure if that's because of more protein, more fat, less carbohydrate, or some combination.

I'm glad that Lethe will be taking over your titles!

Posted by: Erastes (erastes)
Posted at: January 24th, 2014 09:38 am (UTC)
erastes

I was worse before I started the low carb - now the good thing is that I can eat things I really like as long I keep the carbs in mind and I don't miss potatoes or rice or pasta at all. When I look at what I'm eating, I feel they aren't necessary and are only filler. Things I sometimes miss are lovely bread and butter (but then I'll have a flax seed base pizza) or something like cornish pasties! I've lost that URGE to eat, no matter what, and that's the protein high diet I think, or the fat, one or the other!

thanks dear!

Posted by: charliecochrane (charliecochrane)
Posted at: January 24th, 2014 10:58 am (UTC)
awfully glad

*hugs hugs and more hugs*

Posted by: Gehayi (gehayi)
Posted at: January 25th, 2014 03:59 am (UTC)
age of sail (sailors_daily)

I'm sorry that you're still battling depression. It's so frustrating-- like a hateful guest that won't leave. But I'm very glad that you are maintaining your weight. That takes effort!

I miss the wonderful (and accurate) gay historicals you and the Cheyenne/Running Press/MLR crowd used to write. I hope that I'll see more gay historicals--especially good ones--this year.

are these elements being added because people can't be arsed to do the research for real historicals?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Posted by: Dusk Peterson (duskpeterson)
Posted at: January 25th, 2014 07:29 am (UTC)
apprentice

"I’ve read AU m/m historicals too in the last year, which is all very well, but are these elements being added because people can’t be arsed to do the research for real historicals? Or are gay historicals too depressing and interesting?"

Well, I imagine there are people who write science fiction because they can't be bothered to do research on contemporary life, or because they want to write fluffy space operas. But perhaps there are reasons for writing particular genres, other than dislike of related genres, or a desire to escape from gritty reality? I'm sorry you haven't been able to find good reading matter - that must be *terribly* discouraging - and my sympathies on all the rest, though thank goodness Lethe snatched up your books. I wouldn't let yourself get discouraged if few gay historicals are coming out at the moment. Publishing goes in cycles; in a few months, the pace may pick up again.

(Deleted comment)
12 Read Comments